What your body may be asking for when you’re drained

This article doesn’t come with “how-tos.” Today, it’s more about giving yourself permission to do less.

I used to think being tired was fairly straightforward. You either hadn't slept enough or you had done too much, and the solution was to get some sleep or, if that wasn't possible, push through until you could. 

What I've come to realize is that there are plenty of different ways to feel depleted, and they don't all respond to the same kind of care.

It’s easy to understand that I need sleep when I’m tired in a way that feels physical, and the only thing I really want is to get into bed. Other times, though, I have plenty of physical energy but absolutely no appetite for another conversation, another decision, or another thing being added to my day. I can go for a walk and feel better, but if someone asks me to make a plan for Saturday while I'm doing it, I can feel myself shutting down.

That kind of exhaustion is harder to explain because nothing is obviously wrong. I haven't run a marathon, nor have I been awake all night. I may not even have had an especially difficult day. I've simply reached the point where there doesn't seem to be any room left.

I think this is one reason we sometimes misread what our bodies are asking for. When we feel drained, we tend to look for ways to increase our energy rather than considering whether we've reached our limit for taking things in.

But here’s the thing: Our days are full of input that barely registers as effort. This can look like a dozen emails and text messages, a phone call, a difficult news story, favors for tomorrow, and a few hours of scrolling on top of a decision on where to go for dinner. None of these things seem like the sort of activity that should leave you exhausted, but the brain doesn't experience a full day as a neat collection of unrelated tasks.

This is also why I don't think the answer is always another wellness habit. You may genuinely benefit from meditation, exercise, or a better sleep schedule, but if you're already feeling as though your life is crowded, adding another thing you have to remember to do can feel like an added burden.

Sometimes the body seems to want something much less ambitious, but you have to listen to it to get the answer. It might want you to eat a whole-food, plant-based meal because you've been getting through the day on coffee and snacks, or to go outside after spending six hours indoors. Maybe it’s asking you to move because you've been sitting in the same position since breakfast. Or, it could simply be saying “stop.”

That last one can be surprisingly hard to do.

Why rest can feel difficult

We are so accustomed to being available that not being available can feel vaguely irresponsible. There is always someone we could respond to, something we could finish, or some small task we could get out of the way. Even when we have free time, we often fill it without really deciding to. We put something on in the background while we cook and reach for our phones whenever things feel too quiet.

Again, none of this is inherently bad. I do all of these things. But there are moments when I realize I don't actually want more to listen to, watch, or think about. I want to be left alone by the entire world for an hour.

I stopped judging myself for this when I realized it can simply be a sign that I’ve taken in enough for the day.

Signs you’ve reached capacity

If your first reaction is relief when plans get canceled, you look at your calendar and feel tired before you’ve reached the end of the week, or get increasingly irritated by things that normally wouldn’t bother you, it doesn’t mean something is wrong. It likely means you’re at your limit.

What makes this complicated is that the thing you need less of isn't always obvious. It takes some attention to tell the difference. But it’s crucial to distinguish which type of exhaustion you’re facing, because if it’s constant, it may be time to see a healthcare professional. If it’s a day where everything feels like too much, you might need to remove something from your plate instead of learning a new coping strategy.

Not all exhaustion is physical

This part is for the people-pleasers: Thinking about other people so much can deplete you in ways that are harder to recognize because you may not even realize how much energy it’s taking. You can spend an entire day managing your reactions, worrying about something you haven't resolved, trying to keep the peace with someone, anticipating what another person might need, or simply holding yourself together when you don't feel particularly good. None of that necessarily looks like work, but it can leave you exhausted in a way that sleep doesn't immediately fix.

Sometimes you get home and realize you don't want to talk about your day because you don't have the energy to explain it. You don't want advice, conversation, or even necessarily comfort. You just want to stop thinking about how you're feeling for a little while.

That can be a sign that you desperately need some unapologetic solo time to recharge before coming back to community.

It’s OK to have limits

I think we underestimate how restorative it can be to have nothing required of us for a while. Not as a reward for being productive, and not as part of a carefully constructed self-care routine, but because sometimes a body that has been absorbing things all day needs a little space before it can feel like itself again.

So when you're drained, it may be worth asking a slightly different question.

Instead of wondering what you can add to get your energy back, look at what your energy has been going toward, and ask yourself what you might need, whether it’s sleep, lunch, a walk, a talk, or an evening alone.

You don't have to squeeze another useful thing out of yourself just because you technically can. Sometimes listening to your body means recognizing that you have reached your limit and allowing that limit to be enough.